Sunday, May 16, 2010


When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." ~Unknown

I like to make plans. Maybe its due in part of my OCD nature, or maybe its because I grew up in a boating family that charted and plotted a course in the summer before undertaking it. Either way, I've grown up to be a planner. It helps to keep the anxiety away when I think I know what to expect. But its becoming more clear that I should have taken up a sport like track and field in high school instead of indulging in something safe and choreographed like the Drill Team I was on. Hurdles seem to be a common fixture in my life.

When my husband and I got married, we had a plan to stop at three kids. Plans changed after Scootch was born, and I found myself unable to function or leave the house without help. So we decided it would be best to change the plans and stop at two. We've made plans since then, we just recently tried to start up our own business, bought a car, and basically have tried to stick to the plans. Apparently, though, someone else has different plans for us.

Two Fridays ago, I just got confirmation that we'll be expecting baby #3 in December, despite the measures we went through to ensure a limit on our family numbers. The anti-anxiety medication I've been on will have to be stopped for the baby. I'll have to quit my day job and hope that we'll still survive without my additional income paying for the food and utility bills since the business isn't pulling in any money yet. And I'm already stressing over having to remove my kids from their wonderful school, and turning their days full of friends and learning into being walled up at home with an over-anxious mother.

Its hard to keep feeling like I can keep it together when so many things start spinning out of control at once. And as much excitement we're feeling over actually getting the 3 kids we originally planned for, the hurdles are looking a little daunting and numerous. But I'm hoping. I'm hoping that whoever changed our plans will also point us in the direction of the solutions. I'm hoping this is an experience that might help me recover some strength against my fears instead of further exiling me to the shadows of my anxieties.

I'm hoping that hope will prevail.


  1. i hear ya. the only thing i know is that we don't control our lives at all, so maybe we should stop pretending we do. not that we should stop caring, but maybe just remember that we are all going to the same place so why not face each day as the only.

    i think in nj there is too much value placed on "socialization" outside of the home and day care. your children will flourish at home. flourish. you will flourish. your imagination and theirs will really get going and they will know they are loved and your bonds will be tight. like super tight. school will come and so will socialization.

    we were "all locked up" together in turkey and it was daunting and difficult at times, but we have become so much stronger as we continue to grow. trials are hard. really hard. maybe even harder when you know they are coming and have trouble seeing past them as to what will come.

    no matter what. as long as you maintain that beautiful family unit you have, you will be strong. and better times will come. but don't waiver. except support when it comes your way. seek it out when you need it and don't waiver from your goal in maintaining a beautiful family.

    anxiety or not your children and husband will love you. (i love you too, but that isn't as important ;)).

  2. Congratulations. I know this will be stressful and it's what you planned, but I know it will work out and things will be good for all of you.