Monday, November 1, 2010

Help Through Hindsight

"Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith." ~Author Unknown

I was sitting at home the night of Halloween transferring the day's pictures to the computer from my camera, when I clicked back to the photo album containing pictures of Halloween 4 years ago.

Four years ago we had one little pumpkin,

This Halloween we have two pumpkins and one growing in the patch!

It was sad, exhilarating, and stressful, all in the same moment. I'm so glad that you learn to multi-task as a parent, (even if you're just multi-tasking your feelings) because, I have a confession. I feel so vulnerable and uncertain at this point about the future and what it holds for all of us as a family. Just so much is going on, and its gone from a daily struggle to fight the depression to an hourly one. Between the financial problems we still lack an answer to, the logistics of getting the house renovations finished before this kid gets here, and the physical needs that need to be medically attended to with each of us, I feel like I can't breathe from all the stress over unanswerable questions.

And in that moment where I was looking at that first photo, I caught myself wishing back for the past. Yearning for the time when it was just one child to worry about. When it seemed like the world was opening up with possibilities instead of closing in on me. When I felt feelings of peace and joy on a daily basis without having to reach for them. And I had to stop myself. I know I'm not through with this journey, but so far, if anything, it has taught me that the past is not the answer, but rather a clue as to how I need to refocus on the future. So I'm looking ahead and trying to see the light on the other end of the tunnel. I'm really, really, REALLY, hoping and praying that somehow this will all work out. That this family will thrive and grow despite the changes coming.

Basically, I'm hoping for a deliverance of multiple kinds before the year is through.

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